


How We Feel

by TheXtremeBass



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 09:37:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8139287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheXtremeBass/pseuds/TheXtremeBass
Summary: These drabbles are my response to the endless stream of shame and angst that permeates the Quincest and Quinlove fandom.If you do not like, do not read!





	1. Ted Talks

**Author's Note:**

> Hello All!  
> The usual disclaimers apply; if you do not approve of Quincest or Quinlove, stop right here and do not read! This is a work of fiction. 
> 
> Ted answers some questions about the twins.

Does it bother me? No, it doesn’t. Frankly it is utterly inconceivable to me now that there even could be anything inherently wrong about either of them.

Yeah, of course at first I was a little shocked, I mean when all the pieces finally fell together it was definitely a huge, resounding “ah ha!” moment; but then it was just so…obvious. Like I was the one who had been stupidly blind, rather than anything being deviously concealed from me.

I mean, they aren’t ashamed. Yeah, they don’t run through the streets yelling the particulars of their relationship at the top of their lungs, or announce it on stage, though sometimes they seem to get dangerously close; they’re private about the exact details. But it goes even further than that. It’s like, anyone who is, you know, part of their inner circle, we don’t even have to talk about it. They don’t have to talk about it, because they are inseparable, like literally, them being close physically and mentally and emotionally and all of that, it’s like, as natural as breathing. It’s just a statement of fact.

They were made together.

I think that they say it the best, that they’re soul mates; all you would have to do is spend a week alone with them to know how utterly true that is in a hugely basic sort of indefinable way. They don’t define it. You just...like, the way they are with one another, during down time. We’ll all be watching a movie in a hotel room and Tegan will lay her head in Sara’s lap, and I have seen this a hundred times, Sara always, without a doubt, tucks her hand in Tegan’s armpit and cups her shoulder blade. It’s the weirdest, most…human thing. Like they do it automatically, have been doing it all their lives. And they groom one another constantly, like the other is just an extension of their own body; and, like, isn’t that kind of what they are?

I don’t know.

Do I think they take it further than that? Yeah, it’s…there have been mornings –and nights- where it has been obvious. I shouldn’t be saying this, but I actually walked into their bus one morning on the last tour to find them passed the fuck out and crammed, and I mean crammed, into one of those travel bunks. They may be small, but, like, Tegan seemed to be about to fall out and Sara’s body weight was basically the only thing holding her in there. Tegan’s arms were around Sara’s back, and the way that Sara’s head was just nestled so perfectly in Tegan’s neck…they were obviously, you know, naked. At least from the waist up, the sheets were barely hanging in there but I don’t know, I really don’t, it seemed like the most natural thing I had ever seen.

Of course I left quickly and quietly, they never knew I was in there and they never will. I don’t think they want that sort of thing to be seen. It’s way too private.

Whatever the fuck it is, however they define it, it’s between the two of them and I doubt that anyone else will ever be privy to it. We don’t have to talk about it. It’s them, it’s their love, their connection, their bodies, their lives. And none of us on the road crew give a damn about it.

I think they could be across the universe from one another, and still, beyond any rules of time or space, find the thread of each other. Maybe that is why they were thrown into life like this in the first place; maybe they DID manage to do that, in a past life or something.

I mean, it’s not all pretty, I have seen them yelling at the bloody top of their lungs at one another and pointing fingers and swearing and practically trying to physically wound one another. I’ve even seen Sara try to throw a punch at Tegan; man that was an intense night, we weren’t sure if we could leave them alone together for a minute there! But, they always snap back together. There isn’t ever any chance that they won’t. It’s never like, “oh shit, is this going to be THE fight?” You know? Like, the one that puts an impenetrable wall between them. That will just never happen.  
They’re stuck, stuck at that center of the two of them. 

Of course they write music for one another; that’s like where the whole thing started. Sometimes I like, wonder if it’s the only way they talk about how they really feel about each other. I don’t pretend to know what they say to one another behind closed doors, but I would bet anything that a lot of that comes out in their lyrics. All you have to see is how like, Tegan gets this crazy look on her face when she’s watching Sara sing. And vice versa! It makes the hairs on the back of your neck fucking stand up.

So, uh, yeah. That’s how I feel about it. And I wouldn’t try asking either of them about it unless you want the other coming at you with murder on their brain. 

You don’t fuck with them. Only they can do that to one another. Unspoken rule.


	2. Night Bus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rainy night on the tour bus, somewhere between Portland, OR and San Francisco, CA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!  
> Thank you for your kind reviews and kudos, they warmed my heart and made me a lot more interested in continuing this thread; apparently other people are just as sick of the defeated angst as I am!  
> The usual disclaimers apply.  
> PLEASE read and review, it will give me fire to continue this.

Sara was having nightmares again, not too much of a surprise considering that they were back on the tour bus, attempting to sleep while hurtling down the freeway in the middle of the night, a hard rain drumming its endless roar over the low grumble of the engine. Tegan had even had her own share of abrupt, sweaty awakenings in the last two weeks, most often after imbibing in one too many post-show drinks. Dreams of rocking ships and drowning sailors were unpleasant for sure, but Sara had never dealt well with her night terrors. Even now, in their 30’s, Tegan was still occasionally rattled awake by the blare of her telephone, the only sound on the other line Sara’s terrified sobs and breathless words, “Where are you? You should be here. You should be here. Where are you?” When half asleep, confused and disoriented, she knew that Sara could spend an hour frantically searching her apartment for the one person her soul knew, by all rights, shouldn’t be more than a skins-thickness away. 

On this rainy night, somewhere between Portland, OR and San Fancisco, CA, Tegan was startled awake by Sara unceremoniously hitting the floor of the bus and scrambling to her feet, hands already pulling back the privacy curtain on Tegan’s bunk.

“Tee….Tee” Sara’s voice was strained, caught in her throat with terror, and even half asleep Tegan managed to pull the slender woman up and into the bunk, settling her damp, trembling body against her chest and shimmy the sheets over their instantly entwined bodies. 

Tegan placed a single kiss on the top of Sara’s head and rubbed circles on her back, her inarticulate soothing noises coming to Sara more through the vibrations in her chest than audible sound. Tegan hadn’t even opened her eyes, swimming in the heady mist of sleep-deprived awakefulness; though now, with Sara’s sniffles the only sound over the low thrum of the engine and the swish of rain on the roof, she started to drift off again, her hands stilling their ministrations on Sara’s back.

Sara whimpered and shifted, her shaky fingers finding the hem of her sisters tank top and insistently pulling at it; “Tee, I need…” Her voice cracked slightly, raw from the abuse of singing nightly.

Tegan’s heart jumped, snapping her to wakefulness like a bucket of cold water to the face. In general the two of them were content with the pleasant ache of each other’s presence; but just as an overstretched rubber band strains to snap back into place, so their bodies, their souls, yearned. It had been eight months since the last time one of them had reached out, and the breath caught fast in Tegan’s throat at Sara’s vulnerable plea.

“Shh, okay Sasa shh” Tegan cooed, her voice gravelly with sleep as she shifted and pulled her tank top over her head, her breasts bare and exposed to the night air in nothing but black boy briefs, her tattoos bruising her skin. Lying back again, she helped Sara off with her oversized shirt, dropping it blindly onto the floor of the bus. The bunk had begun to warm up to a nearly uncomfortable degree, and as Sara settled her damp cheek against Tegan’s chest they left the sheet draped over their hips, glad that on this tour, they finally had a bus to themselves. 

Tegan hadn’t spent that much time thinking about why Sara’s skin was the epitome of home to her; it just always had been. The two of them had been sneaking into each other’s beds since they were old enough to crawl; to touch, to be connected, to feel complete. The momentary weirdness of changing bodies had expressed itself in a period of intense anger and loud distance but it hadn’t lasted and the two of them had crashed back together, like they always had, and Tegan now knew they always would. There wasn’t a single thing in the universe that she trusted more than the fact that Sara would always be there; and her body would be home, her smell heaven, her love beyond unconditional. 

Sara’s hand, bunched in a tight sweaty ball underneath her chin, slowly uncurled and cupped Tegan’s breast, her thumb rubbing lazy circles around the stiffening nipple. Tegan smiled in the dark, eyes closed tight, her brain beginning to spin; Sara always approached her body like this, slightly sideways and twisted slightly to the left of brazen. Tegan, on the other hand, just had a tendency to push Sara against the wall when she felt like it. 

Not unsurprisingly, both methods worked quite well.

“Hey, come here” Tegan’s voice was husky with sleep, a light touch to the smaller woman’s strong jaw the only necessary guide to bring their lips together. The kiss was soft and slightly damp with tears caught on Sara’s upper lip, the promise of a smoldering desire lancing through the cotton-wool warmth of sleep. Tegan knew where they could go from there, how the kiss would deepen, their breath huffing in the sweltering heat of the bunk, hips starting an agonizingly slow grind as their hands began to wander over breasts and into wet underwear, into thick curls; she knew that Sara’s hands would play her as deftly as she played the guitar, every movement precise and tailored just for her; she knew this like she knew that Sara would enter her with two fingers, because Sara knew that she liked it that way, just as she would enter Sara with three, because she knew Sara liked it that way. She knew how Sara got tight and started to wheeze slightly when she was getting close, and how she liked it best when she could tuck her forehead against Tegan’s neck, their bodies so entwined that all they could feel and smell and see was each other. She knew how Sara got still when she crested her peak, a small breathy “Tee…” slipping from her lips as her body clung to the fingers within, riding out a blissful orgasm that she knew, from experience, that no other woman was capable of providing. 

But, with Sara’s muscles going slack even as they kissed, Tegan knew that tonight it was more than enough just to be able to hold her, Sara’s ear cradled to her heartbeat. Sometimes, if she held really still, she could feel Sara’s steady body rhythm beating its tune against her chest, in perfect harmony with hers.


	3. Emy Reflects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On to Emy! A little bit of reflection, and a lot of stories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I own nothing. None of this is real. No flames please.
> 
> Read and review! Let me know what you would like to read! Who you would like me to explore! Scenarios! Bring it on!

Did I know when we first got together? No, not at all, I didn’t even suspect. Well, I mean, it had come up as a joke, casual, you know? When we were first getting together Sara would say, “You do know that you’re going to have to share me, right?” And we would laugh and it was cute and flirtatious and…yeah, I had no idea, at first. 

But, it started to come out pretty fast, I think the first time it crossed my mind was the first time that Tegan came to visit while we lived in Montreal. I woke up alone in bed that morning and when I went to try to figure out where she was I found her, curled up in the guest room with Tegan, like two puppies They looked about five years old and they were so damn adorable that I didn’t really think that much of it; I think Sara passed it off as waking up with an idea for their next album and not being able to wait until morning…which, if you know Sara’s little squirrel brain, is totally possible. 

But I guess it was after that morning that I started to not, you know, laugh quite as hard when the ‘sharing’ joke came up; Sara isn’t the most affectionate person in public, really she’s quite private but when her and Tegan are in the same room, it’s like nothing else exists. It’s not even like they are all over one another, there’s just a presence, like a thread stretched between them. Like, it’s hard to explain but Sara isn’t the easiest woman to be with in the world; she’s opinionated and stubborn and passionate and Tegan is exactly the same and when they’re together they just throw all of that energy at one another. It’s like, a contained whirlwind.

Then, there was this time where we all went out with a big group of people and went dancing and just got, totally shitfaced, but it wasn’t too out of the ordinary for that time in our lives…anyways, we got shitfaced and I, again, woke up the next morning and Tegan was…sorry, I can still see it so clearly in my head and it was fucking hilarious…Tegan was passed out, face down, drooling, out, on the floor next to Sara’s side; like, she had tried to make it into bed but just…hadn’t quite made it. Her face was pillowed on Sara’s fluffy house slippers and she had one of Sara’s books cuddled to her chest and, it could have just been a total accident but Sara’s arm had slipped off the bed and her finger was hooked in the collar of Tegan’s shirt, all casual-like. It was, well, weirdly possessive, and at that moment in time I didn’t dig too much into it, I spent that morning heaving my guts up in the toilet, it was horrible. 

And god, all of it is just falling out of my mouth right now…it’s really obvious looking back, you know? 20/20 hindsight and all…anyways, Sara gets nightmares and the first time I got woken up to her blindly stumbling around the apartment looking, no, searching, desperately, for Tee I just about shit myself. She was like, screaming and crying and I couldn’t calm her down. She had curled into a ball in her closet by the time I thought to call Tegan, I felt like a total failure of a girlfriend, who calls their partners sister to ask what to do? I should know what to do! But, as soon as Tegan picked up the phone she was all business and was like, “Put the phone on speaker and put it on the floor next to her and leave.”

I slept on the couch that night, and as soon as it started to get light I went in to check on her and she was fast asleep in bed like nothing had happened. Not sure she even remembered it, she didn’t mention it, and I didn’t either. And I never spoke about it with Tegan either. It just…sort of happened.

But the night that I really got it…all of these stories happened at night, didn’t they? Interesting time…anyways, there was this one night, very near the end of our relationship, when we were all together and the two of them had gotten into it. I mean gotten into it, a massive row, one of the ones where the rest of us are all sitting there looking at each other wondering if we need to bring out the strait jackets. It was late and things sort of naturally settled down a bit; Sara had stormed off to the bedroom and by that point Tegan knew how to bunk herself down in the guestroom, so I just went to bed figuring that by the morning everything would be back to normal. But, around like, three in the morning I got up to go pee and fuck if Tegan wasn’t fast asleep on the hardwood floor right outside our bedroom door. Like, I basically stepped on her. I was half asleep, she was half asleep, I could tell that she had been crying, a lot, and the look in her eyes was…horrible. Pleading. I don’t know what but whatever it was had driven a grown fucking woman to try to sleep as close to Sara as she could, which meant a cold hardwood floor, and I knew that Sara would probably have done the same thing if I hadn’t been there…and I can tell you, my gut dropped out of my ass and hit the floor. I don’t really know why, it was instinct I guess, those damn big eyes can get a girl to do anything, I just pushed Tegan towards the bedroom and went and slept in the guest bed. 

When I woke up the next morning I just felt tired and resigned. Could I handle sharing Sara like that? Was she even bloody available at all? Obviously, I couldn’t handle it because we’re not together anymore. But, the truth is, all you would have had to see is the look on Tegan’s face that night; it said everything that either of their words couldn’t.

All you would have to see is that to realize that they don’t have a choice, and I never had a chance. And that’s okay, because they’re okay, and I’m okay. And it’s just life, and sometimes that shit happens.


	4. Cover Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Sara is sick, Tegan pulls out all the stops to help her feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, here's a chapter that's a little lighter. Thank you for all of your comments, please keep them coming! Let me know what you like and what you don't (within reason).   
> There are two songs referenced in this chapter, neither of them are the twins' work:  
> "Shut Up and Dance with Me" - Walk the Moon  
> "Fire and the Flood" - Vance Joy  
> I HIGHLY encourage you all to listen to both of these songs, especially "Fire and the Flood". Imagine away :)  
> As usual, I own nothing.  
> I hope that you all enjoy reading this as much as I had fun writing it!

The Email from Tegan read:

“Good morning Sasa! I hope you’re feeling better this morning, and I hope Holiday and Mickey are taking good care of you since I can’t be there right now. BUT, since I CAN’T be there right now, I figured I would send this video along. To –chuckle- brighten your morning! Let me know if there is anything that I can do. I love you. –Tee”

Sitting at her desk, Sara was completely encapsulated in sweaters, scarves, pajama bottoms and a beanie pulled all the way down to her brow. If you stood behind her all you could see were swaths of wool in various shades of grey with a thin plume of steam rising from the top, the product of an enormous cup (i.e. bucket) of coffee clutched in her hands. Today marked the fifth day of winter-time flu, and Sara was no longer amused. At. All. Not even Holiday’s usual meerkat-on-the-counter routine had produced a smile. Her nose was so raw it bled. Her chest ached from coughing. Her lungs were clogged with horrible, horrible things and she could barely speak, let alone sing. 

Sara hated the winter. She hated being sick. She hated everything.

But, curiosity overcame disdain for the universe and she clicked on the attachment, expecting to find a new song demo. 

“SARA! SAAAAAASSSSSSSSAAAAAA!!!!!!!! Hi! Sara! It’s me! I miss YOOOUUUU!!!!!!”

Sara flinched and jumped for the volume control, rapidly clicking it down to a reasonable volume as Tee’s flushed, gummy smile came into focus on her screen. The video was from a few years ago, Tee’s short messy hair was sticking up in all directions as she adjusted the camera, the video jumping and careening alarmingly. 

“I HAVE A SONG TO PLAY YOU SARA”

Also, apparently, Tee had been drinking. A lot. Her flushed cheeks were stuck in that stupid, adorable grin, her lower lip caught in her teeth, something that Sara couldn’t help but fixate on. Finally, Tegan got the camera right and backed up, revealing the electric guitar she had slung around her neck and, Sara instantly noted, total lack of pants. Clad only in tight black boxer briefs, a sports bra, and striped socks, Tegan began to play.

At first it was utterly jarring, the beat fast, Tegan’s hand strumming the chords surprisingly well for someone so obviously intoxicated. And, as she began to jump up and down excitedly, the song came clear, and Sara’s mouth dropped open, cough drop slowly melting unencumbered on her tongue.

“Oh don’t you dare look back  
Just keep your eyes on me  
I said you’re holding back  
She said “Shut up and dance with me”  
This woman is my destiny  
She said wooohooo  
Shut up and dance with me”

The vision on Sara’s screen was jumping in circles, head back, singing for all her worth and pounding her guitar so hard she would probably break a string. All the time with that damn smile on her face; and, as Sara watched like a statue, the video cut to images of Tegan, still clad only in underwear, dancing on the couch, on the coffee table, against the far wall, all of the dance moves that they dared not show on stage were coming out, things that Sara hadn’t seen Tegan do since their serious clubbing days. About the time that a clip of Tegan doing a horribly executed moon walk across the screen, a look of utter tongue-in-cheek mirth on her face, Sara’s façade cracked. She put down her coffee cup and pulled her knees up to her chest, hand over her grinning mouth, a deep, yet congested, chuckle beginning to shake her mountain of woolens. By the end of the song, the virtual Tegan was drenched in sweat and Sara, just for a second, focused on a bead of sweat trailing down her pulse point, longing to follow it with her tongue. 

The image faded out and relit with what Sara knew to be ‘current’ Tegan; she was sitting on her couch, exactly as she had seen her when they had skyped the morning before.

Tegan sat back on the couch, “Hey there Sasa, I know you’re feeling really shity right now, so I thought that that might cheer you up? –chuckle- um, I can’t really explain that night too much, besides that I missed you and there was a hell of a lot of alcohol involved. BUT, I cut it together for you and I hope it made you chuckle. I’ve been sitting on that little gem for a while now, glad I can finally pull it out. Anyways, here is the real present. I can’t claim ownership, but I hope you enjoy it and I can’t wait to see you next month. 47 days babe. You’ll be here soon.” She sat back, pulling her acoustic guitar into her lap.

“I was only walking through your neighborhood – saw your light on honey, in the cold I stood – anywhere I go there you are – anywhere I go there you are – I’ve been getting used to waking up with you I’ve been getting used to waking up here – anywhere I go there you are –anywhere I go there you are – There you are, there you are –   
You’re the fire and the flood –and I always feel you in my blood – everything is fine, when your hands resting next to mine, next to mine –you’re the fire and the flood-“

Tegan’s eyes barely left the camera, singing directly to her, purposeful and intent. As she swung in to the chorus, her head fell back slightly and her eyes closed; Sara couldn’t take her eyes off her. She never could, when Tee was singing, to her, like this.

“Since we met I feel a lightness in my step – you’re miles away but I still feel you – anywhere I go there you are – anywhere –anywhere I go there you are – late at night, when you can’t fall asleep, I’ll be lying right beside you counting sheep – anywhere I go there you are – anywhere – anywhere I go there you are – there you are, there you are-“

You’re the fire and the flood –and I always feel you in my blood – everything is fine, when your hands resting next to mine, next to mine –you’re the fire and the flood-  
Now listen here she said, boy when you know, you’ll know, and I, know-  
You’re the fire and the flood –and I always feel you in my blood – everything is fine, when your hands resting next to mine, next to mine –you’re the fire and the flood.”

As Tegan’s hands stilled on the guitar, it felt for a split second that their eyes met, that her other half was actually there, sitting across from her in her living room, about to do something normal like get her more coffee or offer to do a pastry run. 

Sara wiped her nose on her sleeve, an action that may have also mopped up a few errant tears, though only Holiday and Mickey were witness to it. 

47 days indeed. It seemed like a long time, to wait to be complete.


End file.
